Saturday, May 1, 2010

Video game review: Tofu Hunter!

I’m not really a fan of video games. I prefer real-life action to anything you can do on a computer screen.

But when the game “Tofu Hunter” showed up in my alerts this week, I just knew I had to try it. I mean, I’ve hunted a lot of animals now, but I haven’t had the means or the time to hunt tofu, so this video game might be my only chance.

I have to admit, it was really addictive, which was pretty embarrassing. I always tell my students how busy I am, but they kept walking into my office at school to find me blazing away at tofu like there was no tomorrow. I think I lost a little credibility there.

But the more I played, the more I realized there were some flaws with this game – the kind of flaws you expect when software designers who never see the light of day venture into an area about which they know little. Read more...
You get your choice of weapons, so I chose a 12 gauge and a sniper rifle (no caliber mentioned). I passed on the “4-10 shotgun” because if you can’t even get it right – Hello! It’s a .410! – who knows what problems the gun might have. Besides, I was hunting tofu, and I wanted a little more firepower than that.

The next flaw I noticed was when I clicked “Reload” on the sniper rifle, what I heard was not the sound of a bolt or a clip, but a shotgun pump. Totally lame.

Then I found a serious disconnect with reality with the 12 gauge: I could shoot seitan birds and tofu dogs (for extra points) at great distances without leading them and still knock them down, but I could blast a tofu buck in the face at point blank range and he wouldn’t die. What’s up with that?

I also found the kill zones on the tofu to be unrealistically limited. For example, I tried a few Texas heart shots with the sniper rifle on fleeing tofu and those little buggers wouldn’t drop. Seriously, it’s not like the bullets have to go through bone or anything – we’re talking tofu, here. Even extra firm wouldn’t offer much resistance to a speeding bullet, and these looked like silken tofu.

And even the best quartering-away shots won’t kill tofu in this game, which cost me a lot of wasted ammunition.

When it came to the tofu themselves, though, the game was maybe too realistic. For example, you’re not allowed to shoot tofu does. Sound wildlife management practices for game as abundant as tofu dictate that you’ve got to take out some does too to keep the population in check. The inability to shoot does is one thing I hate about California game law, and I was really disappointed that the video game designers bought into that policy.

Another realistic aspect of the tofu was that the tofu bucks would hide behind does, creating a serious risk that you would shoot a doe by accident, which I did several times. When you do that, the hunt is over right away.

Finally, the tofu’s big, cute eyes and button noses were very realistic, as was the adorable way they’ll rear up on their hind ends wiggle their whiskers when they’re checking out their environment. So even as I was reveling in the destruction of whole herd of tofu, I felt guilty about every single tofu that I reduced to a crumpled heap of gelatinous soy product.

Of course, maybe that was the game designers’ intent all along – to remind all the tofu eaters out there that their food comes at a price. It’s easy to forget that when your only contact with tofu is in the neatly stacked shelves of the refrigerated section at your local grocer. Not so when you’re a tofu hunter.

So on the whole, I’d have to say this game is a force for good. And honestly, it is fun.

But when you’ve played it a lot – and played it well – you might find you don’t have much of an appetite for tofu anymore. So make sure you’ve got some venison steaks handy.

And don’t worry – your appetite for soy products will rebound. Eventually.


© Holly A. Heyser 2010


7 comments:

Tovar Cerulli said...

LOL!

SimplyOutdoors said...

Good stuff right there:) Now all of us won't be able to get anything done. LOL!

NorCal Cazadora said...

Yeah, I hope I get over this game quickly.

Fun fact: Even PETA has a sense of humor about this game, though one of its commenters didn't - click here to see that.

Josh said...

This reminds me of my years spent wrangling naugas.

gary said...

You brought a smile to the face today. Of course I'm wondering if you can call them in and how you can take advantage of them during their rutting craze. It tells you a lot about these critters if they have no Texas bullseye - poisonous beasts they are and they are full of it.

NorCal Cazadora said...

Gary, thank God you understand!

Ken and Joanne said...

I'm sorry you've lost your taste for tofu. It's delicious. If you fry it with pork sausage.